>Eau De First-Grader


There’s a little boy here who’s visits to the nurse were increasing in both frequency and duration. I began to suspect a tough case of CON (crush on nurse) syndrome when he came in one morning, chest puffed out, leg dragging behind. According to him he had been playing football outside and made a miraculous run and tackle- thereby establishing himself as Hero of the Playground (for that recess at least). On completion of this amazing stunt, he fell and hurt his knee. Of course, by the time he was done telling me all this he’s bouncing around and obviously not injured. Once diagnosed with CON, the rest of a child’s visits are somewhat suspect.
Later that day, he came in with a rip in the seat of his pants. I made him a patch out of tape and explained how to stick it to the inside so that he could make it home a half hour later without flashing his drawers at his classmates. 
In retrospect, he spent WAAYYY too long in there (do NOT have a dirty mind- it’s not what you think…geez). He comes back into my office and stands real close to me. I’m immediately bowled over by the “scent” he’s emitting. He smells like a cheap wh*** in an English rosegarden.
Me: Whoa. Wha? *cough* Whaaaat is that smell??!
Pepe Le Pew: [shrug] It’s perfume.
Me: Umm, men’s perfume or ladies perfume?
Pepe: Men’s. I put it on this morning.
Me: [Wondering how the heck I had missed this] Just so you know, girls like it better when boys don’t wear perfume. If you DO use it, you’ve got to use muuuch less. Like, barely any.
Pepe thinks about it for a moment, says okay, and wanders back to class. He’s no doubt plotting his next assault to my senses, and my only goal is to prevent that from occurring.
Well, I then remembered that there is body spray in the staff bathroom (the one I had sent him into). I run in there and see that the lid to the bottle is off and the bottle is almost empty. Mystery solved. I went along with my day until I hear someone cursing quietly in the same bathroom. I go to see and our poor librarian is on her knees picking up about a million of those little blue air-freshener beads. Strike two.
The conversation was short (due to the lovely odor) and to the point. Pepe Le Pew knows now not to mix floral scents with household scents. He also knows (very clearly) that alas, we are not to be. Poor kid was devastated. I think it took him a whole 3minutes to recover.

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