How to Herd Cats

Alright. I’ll preface this post by saying it’s gotten a little better, but we are having a HECK of a time managing all the pets with this floor refinishing process. It goes a little like this (Tuesday morning):

0612: Wake up to a quiet thumping coming from attic.

0613: Remember that’s where you left the cats last night.

0615: Shuffle up the stairs to retrieve 2 antsy balls of fur, who are insistently talking about how you “never feed us anymore” and how they’re “going to move out if you keep starving us” Blah blah blah.

0617: Head to bathroom (this is a recurring theme). Be joined by 2 cats and a golden retriever. Push cat off lap. Push cat off lap again.

0619: Walk dogs through doorway to living room, saying, “Back…. BACK…. baaaaack” the whole time. Waggle foot at Black Tiger and the Apple Smuggler as you shut the door- they are NOT getting out.

0620: Put dogs out the front door. This isn’t the usual exit door for them. Watch as your black dog enters the street in the dark. Spend approximately 5minutes trying to verbally steer them to the side yard without having to go out there in bare feet.

0626: Bring dogs in [Baaaaack! Baaaaackk….] and head to bedroom, where cats are panicking with starvation.

0628: Find cat food in closet [of course. Where do YOU keep your cat food??] Reach over stacks of folded towels and plastic drawer units [that used to be in the bathroom closet before your husband ripped a hole in the back of it to make easy access to the front of the house] and place cat food in bathtub.

0628: Feed dogs their kibble and commence with “HUMAN getting ready time”

0635: Chase cats out of bedroom and up stairs to attic. Attempt to shut attic door. Protect face as Black Tiger and the Apple Smuggler go AWOL, running past you and straight under the bed. Curse loudly.

0636: Stare at bed. Attempt to levitate bed with super powerful thought. Sigh and accept the fact that the cats know you don’t fit under the bed any more and are mocking you on purpose. Mumble a few more obscenities.

0638: Rattle food dish in bathroom and trick cats into joining you. Turn bathtub faucet to a drip, and spend a moment enjoying the cats’ utter amazement at this dripping phenomenon. Pat self on back for entertaining kitties and not having to attempt under-bed evacuation.

0643: Head to living room, look at clock and realize you did all of that in 31 minutes. Pat self on back [again]. HEAR A LOUD CRASH. More obscenities.

0644: Realize that the cats didn’t knock down the plastic shelving or towels in the bathroom, but that Buddy found the cat food you had inadvertently placed within reach of a doggie snout. Pick up Every. Single. Piece. of dog food because Damned if he’s gonna be rewarded! Place cat food on dining room table on way out the door.

I know that was long, but I had to get it out. Today was better, except for the part where Darwin (Black Tiger is his code name) darted past me and straight through the kitchen. I got him back with only one additional trip across the newly finished floor, which is pretty good I’m thinking (sorry, Honey!).

Everyone knows that herding cats is tricky business, but worth it in the end: